addiction and withdrawl
by sarcasmokay i'll admit its not really a story, but i wasn't really sure where else it fit, so either accept that and read it or don't read it. okay, so i am sure i'm not the first one to go through this. i've gone through similar expiriences before, but nothing this bad. its so hard. you find something that brings you pleasure, it can be good or it can be very bad. mine happens to be bad. with my addiction, i lose track of time, i don't know what day it is, what time it is, often i don't even know or care where i am. its more like i'm watching life than living it. i am up at 2 in the morning and asleep at 3 in the afternoon. i skip meals and eat at random times. i'm constantly in pain for it, but that just draws me closer. i don't eat like i should, i don't talk like i should, i don't sleep like i should, i don't really live. i'm here, but in a sense i'm not. i haven't talked to my friends in a while because this addiction keeps me away from them. i never wanted to hurt anyone, and in the beginning i didn't think i was. but i realized that i was and am. i recently saw someone i loved very much going through the same exact thing, he was the one who got me addicted. it hurt me and i saw how much it hurt the people around him. he didn't sleep or eat or talk to people for days, he wouldn't even shower, i saw him one day and he look terrible. he lost 23 lbs in 4 days, because he wasn't eating much (don't try it, its not a diet, it nearly killed him, hes in the hospital) his eyes were purple and he looked close to tears. he was dehidrated. his skin was pasty and kind of yellow. his hair was all ratted and greasy, he smelled like road kill left out in the summer sun. he was constantly having mood swings and lashing out at the people who he loved most. he acted like a girl during pms, but more physical. no one could make him do anything. i was so mad and aggrivated at him for acting the way he did, but one day i found myself yelling at the baby for crying, something he can't understand, i looked in the mirror and saw what i was becoming, it hit me so hard, like i was hit in the gut with an anvil. i felt like i was going to bawl, but i didn't. i know his family is going to be happy to have him back, and my family will hopefully be happy that i didn't get that bad and that i snapped out of it. of course i thought withdrawl would be easy, its not. i can't think straight, its constantly on my mind. going through withdrawl is harder than living with the addiction. i have to constantly remind myself that this is better in the long run. i'm trying to make myself as patterened as i can, but my life is currently upsided down. it hurts, mentally and physically. my head is getting the worst of it. no one can understand how hard this is without going through it themselfs, not something i would suggest. my mom, who just had to be a nurse, who worked in hospice, is watching for the signs of that kubler-ross thing (at least i still have shoe laces). its very annoying, but it helps. i'm not going to hurt myself anymore then usual, which is not mashochist, but not pain free. i want to enjoy life, i want to be me again. don't ask me what this addiction is, i'm not going to tell you, no matter who you are (not even you torie, which i know you'll beg). don't fell sorry, i don't want a pity party. this is just to get somethings off my chest and mabye help someone else. i swear that its not illegal, so don't go calling the police, i've had enough run-inns with them for a life time. yeah you can be mad at me, i am. just don't go cussing me out, i may not be able to stop myself from retaliation and i don't want kicked off.