First and foremost I must give credit to Void, not that the ideas in here are his, but that the guide itself is inspired by his.
I started writing this a just a guide that I'd post up on Kidzworld, and let everyone there use it once I had left the site, and since I'm pretty much leaving, here it is:
If I've left out any major specific topics, let me know and I'll add a chapter
As the title suggests, this is a Love Guide. With all the relationship advice I can give. A lot of this will be based off of questions I've answered, or topics that are made a lot. A table of contents will follow this note, and you may look for a key word by hitting the Control button on the key board and the F key at the same time. Then typing the word you're looking for in the box that appears. I would suggest using the title of the chapter you want.
You may not know, since my topic got deleted, for the second time now, but I've been doing advice here for almost two years. And thus far have been the only person to keep a relationship advice thread running that long. Unfortunately during the cleaning, it was erased, before I got past 50 pages, and the second time a Spammer caused the board to glitch so my topic had to be erased after it reached 82 pages. So I decided I might as well put up a love guide. I will try to keep each "chapter" as short as possible, so as not to bore you, while putting in enough info to get you through if you're dealing with that topic.
I would also like to note that credit to the basis of this Guide goes to all who posted questions in either of my threads, and StarF, because this is a little less than a copy of his Guide to Kidzworld.
Please remember this is my opinion and the advice here may not help in every case, but it's a good place to start, and I've had plenty of experience and success when giving advice. I am not a professional. yet.
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~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
To find each chapter easily, hit "ctrl" and "f" at the same time, then type in the name of the chapter you want to read! Don't put in all the words, only one or two of the key words in each title.
Table of Contents:
3 The Age Thing- FOR ALL 12 and UNDER!
4 Love Signals or Hormone's Raging? + Lust or Untruthful Feelings
5 I Know What I'm Looking for, but What About Them? + How do I know what They Feel?
6 To Ask Out, or Not to Ask Out? + Double Trouble- Liking Two at Once
7 How Do I Ask Them Out?
8 First Date? + When Should We Go Steady? + Meet The Parents
9 I'm So Bored - What should we do? + I dunno, What do You Want to Do?
10 If You Play With Hearts, They Will Get Dropped
11 Um... - Kissing
12 How to Keep a Relationship + How to Know When the End is Near + Sometimes You Should Consider Breaking Up
13 Breaking Up + Moving On + STALKERS
14 If They're With Someone Else + They Still Like You + CHEATING
15 Unwanted Physical Attention
16 Rape
17 Sex
18 Pregnancy
19 A Message to You All
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
THE AGE THING
I'm putting this first to save you all some time- This section is for all those UNDER 12. The rest of the guide is for everyone above that age, except for, of course, those parts about extreme situations that can happen to anyone.
IF YOU ARE UNDER 12: I do NOT support dating that young.
And before you protest, let me tell you why: You are just not mature enough. Don't take offense, it's a proven statement. Yes, if you're 11 or 12, you've begun puberty, but just because you're now interested in the other sex and want to start dating, doesn't mean you're ready. Relationships are stressful, and break ups are inevitable. Besides, guys to actually develop mentally, much slower than girls. While girls are done maturing in their early 20's, boys don't stop until they're 30
The thing about guys being two years behind girls mentally is pretty much true, so if you're ten and dating, your bf is really 8, and who wants that? And if you date an older guy, that's even worse because he'll be more mature than you and more likely to get into bad things with you.
Besides, such young relationships don't last. Do NOT think you will be special, and your relationship will last forever, 99.99 % of the time, it doesn't, at least when you're this young.
Also, the younger you start dating, the more likely you are to get into bad relationship habits: Getting Physical too Fast, Always going after Looks, Picking the Wrong Type of Person.
It's better to make sure you've experienced childhood as much as possible before dating. While you might feel now that you're ready to be an adult, you'll only feel that way until it stops being a novelty, and you're stuck, unable to go back to being a kid. So enjoy being a KID, and act like one!
You can't really go on dates anyway, so give it a rest and wait until you can!
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
Love Signals, or Hormone's Raging?
How do you know if it's love, or at least an honest crush, and not simple lust? These lists should give you a sign of whether or not your feelings are true or it's just hormones and/or peer pressure.
Love xor an honest crush)
-Whenever you see your crush xObject A) you smile, and are happy.
-You don't need to see Object A to be happy, his/her voice over the phone, an IM, or a letter thrill you.
-You can talk alone for at least an 45 minutes to an hour, if not more, without lengthy awkward pauses.
-You genuinely like OA's personality as a whole, and although there may be a few things that irritate you, they don't make you mad, and you wouldn't change them if you could.
-OA's body, while it may have been the first thing you noticed, is not the major reason you like him/her.
-Your friends may have pointed him out or been friends first, but they're not the major reason you like OA.
-Your parents would approve of OA, or at least think him/her decent. And you don't want to date to make them mad.
-If OA told you that you weren't right for him/her, you would break up, preferring that they be happy with someone else, than unhappy with you.
-You respect OA, and their limits. You don't want to pressure them to go farther than they want.
While a lot of young people think what they have is Real, True Love, it usually isn't. Not to say it's not love, but a Real, True Love, takes time to build, ultimate trust and maturity, and complete commitment, and I've yet to see a teenage relationship that has that. Don't lose hope though, young love, if it fits most of what's in the list above, can develop into Real, True Love if you give it time and effort.
And now the flipside.
Lust, or Untruthful feelings
-Object A's body was the first thing you noticed, and one of their only good traits.
-You're friends have all been pressuring you to date even though your feelings are only lukewarm.
-Your parents would not approve, and that's a good enough reason to go out.
-You could care less what they say, you just want them to kiss you all the time. -Object A's conversations bore you.
-You've asked them to go past what they are comfortable with physically.
-A lot of their personality traits drive you crazy, and you wish they were different
-You've argued frequently
Not a very long list, but usually one of those will clue you in that it's not going to be a good relationship. Lust is a big trap that lots of teenagers fall into. They mistake feelings of lust, that belly-swoop you get when kissing, for love, when Real love is a deeper feeling most teens haven't felt yet.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
I Know What I'm Looking for, but What About Them?
As a girl, and my own person, I only know what I'm looking for. But I can give general ideas for both genders. So don't take this completely to heart, just keep it in mind: each person is different and they all like different qualities in their significant other.
What a Girl Wants:
-Gentlemanly qualities, around her, her friends, and her parents.
This doesn't mean you have to don a cape and kiss her hand, but you should be polite and respectful of her, her decisions, and her friends and family.
-Someone who likes her for who she is. You can secretly wish she had Angelina Jolie lips, but you should think she's wonderful just the way she is.
-Be bold! Most of the girls I know would prefer a guy who asks the question. So go for it already!
-Be confident! No girl likes a guy who doesn't like himself, so enjoy who you are and use the qualities you've got to woo, yes I said "woo", her.
-Be independent! A good gf will want to talk with you about your problems, but she won't want to be your therapist, maid, or mother.
-Don't be clingy. You'll want to be around her 24/7, but everybody needs space, so give it! And don't be jealous either. A girl will have more guy friends than just you, so there's no need to attack every other guy she talks to.
-Don't be too forceful. You may set the pace of the relationship, but if it's too fast for her, slow down till she gives you the green light.
What a Guy Would Like to Get
May I once again state that I am not a guy, and these are things I've picked up from my guy friends.
-A lady. You don't have to be Miss Perfect, or Miss Rich, or Miss Beautiful, but let your actions be good and come from your heart.
-Be confident! No guy wants an insecure little girl, they want a young woman who likes who she is, and is comfortable in her own skin. You can want some of those little changes, but don't obsess about them to him.
-Don't whine! A good conversation is not you complaining and him constantly trying to reassure you or saying, "I'm sorry."
-Don't be clingy! He may be the most wonderful guy there is, but even he'll need some alone time. Let him hang with his buds, and don't nag him every time he talks to or about another girl. He has female friends too!
-Be independent! A guy may want to save his damsel from distress, but not 24/7.
-Be bold! Assert yourself when you have to, and don't let him force you into something you don't want, or you'll both be sorry.
I'm not Psychic, how do I Know What They Feel?
Not always true, but some of the average signs that they're crushing. If you can check off most of these things, chances are somebody likes you!
-Smiles whenever they see you, stopping to say hello is good too.
-Blushes when you approach.
-Will go out of their way to see you, talk to you, or help you.
-Considers you one of their, or their best friend of the opposite gender.
-Once seemed at ease around you, but has started acting nervous, or shy.
-Has flirted with you. NOTE: many girls flirt with all their guy friends, some on purpose, some not. So check out their behavior around other guys, and visa versa.
-May seem to be trying to impress you: Bragging, always trying to say something funny, dressing nicer, or fixing appearance when around you etc.
-Has asked for your number or e-mail/IM if they didn't already have it.
-Has been talking to your friends a lot, even though they aren't good friends.
-His/her friends whisper things when you approach, or elbow or otherwise alert Object A to your presence.
-A friend of Object A, or OA him/herself has asked you who you like. Possibly multiple times.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
To Ask Out, or Not to Ask Out/
Who's it ok to ask out, and who isn't? Where's the line drawn?
OK
-Anyone who likes you back, be it your friend's brother, or that weird guy behind you in math.
-Someone who your parents will let you date
-Someone who's age is close to your own
Not OK
-ANYONE already taken. If they have a bf/gf- they are OFF-LIMITS. I mean it!
-Anyone who just broke up with their bf/gf. Give it a couple of weeks before you approach them.
-Anyone you're closely related to.
-Anyone significantly older or younger than you: 3 years and up/down
-Someone whose personality you don't like
IFFY Situations
-If you already know one of your friends likes him/her: Talk to your friend and see if you guys can't deal with the situation and still remain friends. Remember: friends are more important than bf or gf's.
Double Trouble
Alright, you know he likes you, you like him, you would can, and would go out together. problem: There's two of them! How do you pick between two people you really like?
I've been in this situation before, and it is a hard choice. Here's some ways you can pick, and some situations where you should pick one over the other.
-Make a pros and cons list of both. [This is what I did, and it worked!] Which ever has more qualities about them you enjoy, go with him/her.
-Do something with each of them, with friends so it's not a date. Then pick which ever you enjoyed being with the most, and were able to really talk to.
-If you like both almost equally, and one makes a move first, go for him/her. Because being brave enough to express their feelings is a MAJOR pro.
-If you know your friend likes one of them. Since you have two crushes, let your friend pursue the one they like, and you can try for the other.
-If your parents disapprove of one, leave that one behind.
-If you value just staying friends with one of them, and think dating would mess that up, try the other guy.
Be careful in this situation though! If you're really torn between to people, DO NOT try and date both of them to solve your problem. It will only make it worse! If you can't decide and both have asked you out, ask them to give you a week to give a reply. Only use that though if all else has failed, it's really not polite. And when turning the one you have not chosen down, be kind, and let them know it's not because you don't like them, but because you don't like them in that way.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
Well How do I Ask Them Out?
First of all you must decide what you mean by "ask out" on a date, or to be your steady. You have to know and make it clear. For all teens, it's best to start with just going on a few dates together, before announcing to everyone that you are boyfriend and girlfriend. That way if it doesn't work out, you don't have to go through an early break up. So just test the waters and ask your crush on an easy, low key date.
Here's some good suggestions for how to ask, whether you're bold or shy.
For the Bold
-March straight up and ask them out. With anything as simple as "Will you go out with me Friday night?" Doing this somewhere private is best. Without a lot of people around. Then set up a time and place. If it goes well, you can ask them to be your bf/gf.
-Call them up on the phone. Start up a conversation about anything else. Ask about their day, their friends, likes or dislikes. anything. Then after a while. Ask when they'd be free and if he/she would like to go out with you someplace.
For the Shy
-Write a note. It doesn't have to be long or complicated. Make sure to sign your name at the bottom. You could also make the note a little more fun. Fold it into origami )write somewhere visible that they need to unfold it.) Attach candy, or a little dollar store toy. Color it, or make it a pop up card. Whatever you want.
-E-mail or IM them. Use this as a last resort though. It's very impersonal, and not a great way to display your feelings.
Note to the Girls: Ladies, while we all know women's rights are important, haven't we forgotten the guys? They have the right to prove their manliness by asking us out. And if they can't be man enough to do that, do you really want to see what will happen if your in a situation where they need to protect you? Do you think they'll be man enough for that? Just something to think about.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
First Date- Where To?
Go somewhere fun, where you'll be able to talk. Bowling, or a skating rink is good. Or to a mall. Movies don't let you talk, so they're not always the best idea. Also, if your or their parent/s pick up or drive you there, make a point to either introduce, or be introduced.
2nd?
You've made it through the first, and liked it. how about lunch and a movie? Less personal than dinner, but still a meal. Whoever asked, pays. The other can pay for dessert if they offer.
When should we go steady?
NOT RIGHT AWAY!
Going on a couple of dates does not, or should not, make you an immediate couple, only a possible one. It's better to become good friends before deciding to date. Here's a checklist of things you should have before deciding to date. Note these are also some of the signs of love/honest crush, but just because you have a lot of these, doesn't mean the relationship is going to last forever, or even be a good one. But it will have a better chance if you have these.
-Ability to talk for a long time without getting bored.
-You think almost everything about OA is great.
-You had fun on dates with them.
-They haven't had a lot of bf/gf's for only a short period of time. Although some learn their lesson. And it just depends on if they were always the one who broke it off or not.
-They are always nice, and respectful towards you.
-They seem interested in dating.
If you think you're ready, then ask away!
Meet the Parents
Once you are going steady with someone, you should get to know their family, and let them get to know yours. You don't have to do it the day after you start dating, but with in the next couple of weeks, have him/her over for dinner with your parents, and go over to meet theirs. And try to make sure it's nice and low key. Even a dinner of pizza then a G rated movie with the fam would be great.
If you're not comfortable introducing them to your parents, or they don't want to introduce you to theirs, you may want to reconsider dating.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
I'm so Bored, You Could Build a House out of Me!
So you've got this great relationship going. how do you keep it going, without getting bored or each other? Well, if you picked your significant other for their personality, this shouldn't be a problem.
-Keep things interesting. Don't go out every weekend and see a movie, switch it up!
Bowling, skating, go to the park, hang out at a mall, make them dinner, go to a fast food restaurant, go biking, go swimming. etc. There are hundreds of things to do, and do be afraid to be SPONTANEOUS!
-Take a break. You guys don't need to spend every free minute together.
If you go to the same school this is an especially big issue. Don't avoid him/her at school, but keep together time at school to a minimum. Hang out with your friends on some weekends, you can invite him/her along occasionally, but you need some alone time with your gal pals, or boy
buds too!
-Use the phone wisely. This is something even the greats have an issue with. *cough* me.. *cough*
Really shorter conversations are better. Maybe 45 minutes max. This way the girl doesn't chat off the guy's head )or the other way around if he's really talkative), you don't run out of things to say, and while it's plenty of time, it's still short enough that you'll both be waiting for the next call.
-To quote what I said before. BE SPONTANEOUS! Seriously!
You have no idea how fun it is when you both are just as random and silly as you want to be! If both get into it, you'll have a great time wherever you are. Turn cartwheels in the park, or start telling really corny jokes, whatever! It makes it more fun for the both or you if you can be surprised with a bit of randomness.
-Spontaneous isn't always silly.
-Hello! Flowers! Girls love them! They could be weeds out of your garden, and so long as they're pretty, she'll be pleased. And girls, you can make cookies or something. Maybe even just his favorite candy bar stuck in his locker with a note would probably make his day.
I Dunno, what do you want to do?
So you know there's plenty of fun things to do, but can't choose, or don't want to? Here's a few suggestions.
-Decide between the two of you, that you will alternate who gets to/ has to choose the date.
-If you still find it hard to decide, make something that will choose for you.
Ex. On small pieces of paper, write some activities that are fun to do [and nearby and fairly cheap] and put them in a jar, then when you have to pick, just draw one out. Here are some that can easily be included:
-Dinner and/or movies at your house
-Dinner and/or at his/hers
-Movies
-Dinner at a local place
-Hanging at a mall or shopping center
-Bowling
-Skating [ice or roller]
-Video game day with mutual friends
-Going to see a community play with friends
-Doing something with either of your families
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
If You Play with Hearts, They Will Get Dropped
Never, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NEVER say something you don't mean to some one who cares about you. Even if it's just a little crush. Here are some major DON'Ts in a relationship.
Don't...
-Date because they're cute, have cash, or like you, if you don't return their feelings.
-Say you like them if you don't.
-Date because you really REALLY want/need a bf/gf. You never NEED a bf/gf!
-Date because your friends think you should.
-Date if you're on the rebound, or to make your ex jealous.
-Date because you want to "get some", or look like you have.
-Hit on, or even mildly flirt with someone who's taken
-Hit on, or even mildly flirt with someone when you're taken
-Say "I Love You" unless you can prove it.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
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